Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Is there such a thing. Grief as I've learnt is a part of my life, every ones life. My dad passed away last month, only over two weeks ago. So not that long ago. Grief has been a companion for a long time. I'm not being morbid I promise. Other companions come with you too... happiness, wonderment, desire, dreams.... you know what I mean. But grief is my companion right now.
Dad. A loaded word is what I likened it to at his funeral. It conjures up all sorts of feelings and memories for me. Dad. Hmmm. Not so much a dad when I was young, a girl needing reassurance, acceptance as a daughter, knowing I was lovable. Hmmm not really.
I wrote a poem for my dad more recently when he came back in to our lives as a new man. I compared him to a kauri tree. Strong. I spoke of a kauri tree needing time to mature and become strong. Kauri live for many many years and are an important part of our culture here in New Zealand. Dad was my kauri tree, a tree that took its time to grow in to a place of shelter, love and comfort. It took most of my life for my dad to become that for us kids but he got there in the end like he took the long way round to his destination. A scenic route if you like, but missing the most important purpose for the journey... his children. But like I said he got there.... slow and steady wins the race and whatever cliche you can think of. Afterall cliches are cliches for a reason.
When mum passed away October 2005 grief was my companion then too. Taken to soon from her children, these fickle bodies we have are sometimes not our friends. I love my mum more today then I did then. Losing mum was horrible and I miss her still, you live with the loss like a scar that doesn't completely heal but you just carry on. As my journey as a mother grows I come to appreciate her more and more.
So when she died dad stood in the gap, more than that he stepped up! With his own health issues I think he realized his own mortality was fragile. He became DAD. Yep capital letters DAD. Finally. All those lost years of not having him and here he was. Christmases camping at his place, doing family and getting hugs and kisses and I love you's. It was hard to adjust to begin with. This was a foreign concept to us. We had to re-introduce ourselves to this person DAD. Sometimes old roles come back to our minds. I am the baby afterall, this role doesn't leave you. Old fears of past dad come back and you wonder if this new one is real. You have to forgive to move on. We forgave. But its hard to forget.
So I thank God for the 8 years of dad we had when mum passed because we needed him. We still need him. But again these fragile bodies don't last. Dad I love you and miss you. You ended strong. You are still my kauri tree, but fallen, creating compost to grow us stronger. Now I am a kauri tree, my son finds shelter and comfort under my branches. My sisters and brother are kauri that cover their children. We have to be adults now, face the world without mum and dad. It sucks.
But my heart is glad to have another father, He stood in the gap many years ago before I even knew he had. When I turned 15 I accepted him as My Heavenly Dad. He has changed my life and healed so much from the past from my childhood and even things in my life since then. Never ending flow of love and forgiveness from heaven above, a sweet peace that surpasses all understanding. Although my earthly parental units are passed my Heavenly one is still watching over me his daughter with an eternal view in mind.
Grief I don't mind you being my companion, you aren't my only one anyway I have the others. We are old mates and have been through a lot together. You will get sick of me eventually and I will start txting some other emotion for awhile and hang out for coffees with laughter and joy. I'm cool with it though.
Grief shows that you care deeply for something and that losing it means something to your soul and heart.
Psalm 30:5....weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
Love you always Mum and Dad. xx